{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Think I pulled my liver
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
bro what is going on at twitter