*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart