*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism