[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
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If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂