@PrinceGreenJr
@pudding_club *calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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@pudding_club 
@Angibangie Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
@JimmerThatisAll “My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
@seamusmckracken If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
@david8hughes The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
@Prof_BrianCocks “14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
@juanadog 911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
@mrtruthandsoul I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
@ACartoonCat Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
@weinerdog4life Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok