*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*


Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy


“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”




If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.


The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.


“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”


911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.


Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end