*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.