*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
The Punning Dead.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.