[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
dream blunt rotation
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I cannot call her anything else now
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers