*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
You Might Also Like
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Holy shit he’s back
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
who will stop them
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic