*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

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[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…


A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.


Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!


I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.


Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*


CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”


I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.


GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right