*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
happy valentine’s day to me
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers