@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

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@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

@SonOfCha

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

@Stellacopter

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

@UnFitz

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

@Shut_up_Marissa

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right