@TheBoydP
@squirrel74wkgn [on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@SonOfCha A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
@noog So the ex texted me
@tigersgoroooar Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
@Stellacopter I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
@sparrowmedia The symmetry is uncanny.
@UnFitz Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
@Shut_up_Marissa CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
@markydoodoo I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
@TheToddWilliams [creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right