[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
My love language is deader than Latin
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg