Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.