Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
honestly, i need both:
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.