Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.


Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?


[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet


Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.


So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.


If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I


Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.


Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”