@NikiWithIssues

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

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@DurtMcHurtt

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

@MrSpoonicorn

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

@bossy_bootz

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

@mom_tho

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@dafloydsta

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

@thatdentaldude

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

@Writepop

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

@XplodingUnicorn

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.