Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.


*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd


I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom


nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time


Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.


Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.


“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room


No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.


If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.