@NikiWithIssues

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

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@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@thistallawkgirl

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

@MatCro

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

@DairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@sarcasticmommy4

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

@etherealraccoon

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

@ramblinma

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”