Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The devil.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
How funny!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.