Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
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me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Pat is about to own someone
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game