Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.