Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.