Going into Monday like
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Mountain Goat : )
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
dam girl
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Become a minion. Get that bread.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.