going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
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it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Google Pay be like:
Yup….perfect score!
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous