@skittle624

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

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@AndyAsAdjective

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

@Tmoney68

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

@KonaSlater

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

@velweb

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

@vanleygoodtakes

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

@UNDEADTRESOR

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

@FatherWithTwins

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

@Clanopath

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

@TheTweetOfGod

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

@SoulYodeler

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.