[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.