(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
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GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*