@malt_skull

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

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@ShortSleeveSuit

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

@donni

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

@ThatBloke_Jesus

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@dumbbeezie

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

@karanbirtinna

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

@briancthayer

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.