*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If snakes were wide
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I put the hot in psychotic.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there