[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard