Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.