Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I’m not wrong
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
We decided to have money instead of children.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name