Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I can’t deal with men any longer
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house