Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Wednesday
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle