Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.