going to bed
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane