@FetishBitch

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

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@PajamaBen_

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

@notmythirdrodeo

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

@eddiesnextwife

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

@Brianhopecomedy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

@Social_Mime

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

@TheAndrewNadeau

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

@joe_binkley

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.