Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
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My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
We like the way Dwight thinks
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
me hitting on a model
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”