Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

You Might Also Like


*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*


I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth


I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.


[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct


I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.


I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.


I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.


I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.


Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.