Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like