Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team