Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house