Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
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Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I mean…but I did
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later