Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I am crying
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.