Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.