going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.