@KyleMakesStufUp

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

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@CopBroughtPizza

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

@AmishPornStar1

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

@_kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

@CopBroughtPizza

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

@noog

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

@ThisOneSayz

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

@Lance_Said_This

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

@English_Channel

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

@KarenKilgariff

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much