Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE


Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney


North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.


My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.


Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.


who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often


There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much