Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family