Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Thursday
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.