Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
🙋♀️
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
“and how does that make you feel?”
You can’t outrun your problems…
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.