Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
anyone else like Italian cereal
If a snake ate a cake
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.