going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps