going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I need to update my racial profile.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.