going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.