going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’m not lazy
The news in a nutshell.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences