[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
never forget
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
We’ve all been there…
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens