going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
called in thicc to work this morning
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…