(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
You Might Also Like
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
normalize having existential bread
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I bet
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.