going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Realize this:
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Practicing safe sax
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”