Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!