Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket