Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
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gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.